Hello World, It’s A Nice Day for a White Wedding

Sometimes, late at night, when the whole world is sleeping, I lie awake and wonder why Jay Cutler decided to call off Chicago’s would-be version of the Royal Wedding. It’s sad, really. Then it hits me — he’s totally making a play for Lo! Ah, yes, those two would be perfect together. He’s the strong, silent type. She loves kittens. Does anybody still have a clue of what I’m talking about? You do? Let’s be friends!

Let me leave my Laguna Beach fantasy world behind and tell you why I’m here. Roughly three times a week, I intend to interrupt your regular Bears blog-reading schedule with a post so ludicrous, you’ll find yourself wishing for Colin Cowherd. Okay, maybe not. Because, I’m actually quite good, I swear! I’ve been tagged by Boomer, himself, to bring my unique perspective–albeit, limited and flimsy–to Bear Goggles On.

I’ve decided the best way to introduce myself is to follow up the worst way to introduce myself with a list of the top 10 things I think you should know about me. Kind of like Bleacher Report! See, this is already going well.

1. I’ve been a Bears fan since I was a fetus.

My dad is originally from a South Chicago suburb. So, despite our family’s hermit-like traveling history (he was also in the military), I’ve been die-hard navy blue and burnt orange for 27 years.

2. I’ve taken irreparable actions to ensure I get to watch the Bears on TV.

Who cares if it’s your first wedding anniversary? Ain’t nobody gonna make me miss Bears v. Packers, Week 1. Yes, at my old job, I once unwaveringly occupied a Sunday requested-day-off  for this very reason. And refused to give it up. But, the Bears won!

3. I still blame the Bears’ 2007 Super Bowl loss on my ex-girlfriend.

I knew I shouldn’t have invited her to that Super Bowl party. Bitch had never watched a game with me before. And now were broken up. No coincidence.

4. I’m in my sixth Madden franchise season.

And I’ve proudly played every game, scouted religiously and methodically moved sliders to slowly increase game difficulty as my team has gotten better. Shit, I’ll be killing it on “Pro” in no time.

5. I proudly wear my Rex Grossman jersey.

I’ll always proclaim that Rex was the whipping boy of a franchise that astonishingly forgot the 23 quarterbacks before him. I’ll take his endearing “go deep, go home or be intercepted” style against Kyle Orton’s four-yard outs any day.

6. I have a favorite player. I’m just like you!

All time: Mike Brown. Current: Earl Bennett.

7. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

This daaance is your chaaance to do the hump! I’m. so. sorry.

8. My other job is as an Email Manager.

I work in email marketing. I get paid for it. That spam you always get? You’re welcome, sirs. Full disclosure: we’re subscriber-based and totally legit. Pinky promise.

9. I was a Saints fan for three days.

We’ve all had that friend who was so cool that you wanted to be just like them.

10. I’ve got a sad, sad blogging history.

I created Blog Down, Chicago Bears in late 2007. Some of you might have heard of it. We’ve been featured on Deadspin, The Big Lead, ESPN Chicago, Fox Sports, and I was even once on the radio in Chicago (WBEZ, I believe) talking about the Draft. Now, the domain is owned by divorce lawyers. And, so,  you see, we’ve kind of, fittingly, come full circle.

That’s me in a nutshell; a really long-winded, stupid, boring nutshell. I swear if you come back, I’ll only be writing a quarter as much. Feel free to say hello, I hate you, or “hello, I hate you” in the comment section. I’d

love

like

be okay with getting to know who you are. Together, I think we can make this a really special place.