******DISCLAIMER. This column is meant to entertain. It is satirical in nature, so don’t get your panties in a bunch or report me to the authorities. Thank you.******
Hey guys, we received such a positive response from the first “Top 25 Parenting Tips for Chicago Bears Fans” (http://beargoggleson.com/2013/11/21/top-25-parenting-tips-chicago-bears-fans/) that I decided to give you some fresh ones. I needed some recovery time after the loss to Green Bay and our team’s trip back to their couches.
I do think things are looking up for our Beloved. After watching the NFC Championship game, I knew if we somehow made it there, there is no way we could compete. I take that back, we probably could not have won against any of this year’s playoff teams, so we would not have made it there anyway.
Here are a few more parenting tips that I have found very effective for raising the next generation of Chicago Bears fans. As a parent of a wonderful two-year-old named Robbie, I am blessed to be able to instill a good set of principles which should last a lifetime of sharing our Beloved’s glory. Enjoy.
1. Just because they are two years old, doesn’t mean they can’t pitch in on chores. The picture above features my son shoveling snow. Bears families form a strong bond through shared labor. It started in the slaughterhouses. My wife says she started helping in the kitchen when she was 4 or 5.
2. The time will come when you are going to have to change a dirty diaper. It’s part of being a good Dad. In anticipation of said event, feed your child blue and orange Skittles, then at least the poop will be Chicago Bears colors. (Blue ones are only found in Tropical Skittles.)
3. Almost all kids go through a biting stage, we can’t do much about it. What we can do is fit our kids with a couple of gold teeth with backwards Chicago Bears emblems on them. That makes your kid’s victim not really a victim at all. He will be sporting a cool look for at least a few hours. Tiny downside though, it can be incriminating when there may have been a chance to get away with the bite. I still consider it a good trade-off.
4. Bears football games are always exceptions to any TV restrictions that are in place. Hell, depending on the outcome of the game and the esprit de corps of the child, there is always the possibility for an early parole.
5. Teach your children Chicago Bears history, it takes priority over most American history, though I believe they are synonymous. Before you judge me, remember, we were taught in history class in school that Christopher Columbus was a swell guy.
6. Though my wife hates it, I leave the Christmas tree up until the end of the Bears season. If they go to the Super Bowl, that means February. Which would have happened this year if my wife didn’t jinx us by asking when the tree was gonna come down before the Packer game. Blasphemy.
7. Just because it is a Nerf football, doesn’t mean you can pluck your kid in the head with it. Not until he’s three.
8. My son sits on my lap while we play Grand Theft Auto v. He thinks he’s driving. For some reason, we always end up getting chased by the cops. The tip here is don’t let your kids drive.
9. If you don’t have any Bears children but would like to have some, cool. They’re great. Try to plan the birth for the off-season. I have devised a sure-fire plan for your conception. September, October, and November are your optimal mating months. She should be in that “get pregnant” state and you are gonna have to be nice. Monday – Saturday are good. Sunday is no good because of the game, and the fact that the Bears could lose and you could accidentally be a jerk. Not a good pre-cursor for getting your wife knocked-up.
10. My wife just fed me a tip for you guys, she says never listen to her husband.