The Bears schedule is here! On Wednesday night, fans all over Chicagoland got the good news: this year, they can blame the Bears for the constant state of anxiety they'll be in on Thanksgiving. All 17 of the Bears games, and most of their kickoff times, were revealed last night, in a 3-minute long video that – you guessed it – made a bunch of references to Chicago. Any time you have the chance to make a Ferris Bueller's Day Off parody in 2024, you do it.
But now comes the important part: guessing. Since we know when and where these games are taking place, there's no excuse for us not to immediately turn around and rank them. Otherwise they're just 17 chaotic games rattling around inside our heads for the next four month. We need order, and only internet rankings will do. But first, here's how their schedule looks:
Week 1: vs. Tennessee Titans
Week 2: @ Houston Texans
Week 3: @ Indianapolis Colts
Week 4: vs. Los Angeles Rams
Week 5: vs. Carolina Panthers
Week 6: vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Week 7: BYE WEEK
Week 8: @ Washington Commanders
Week 9: @ Arizona Cardinals
Week 10: vs. New England Patriots
Week 11: vs. Green Bay Packers
Week 12: vs. Minnesota Vikings
Week 13: @ Detroit Lions
Week 14: @ San Francisco 49ers
Week 15: @ Minnesota Vikings
Week 16: vs. Detroit Lions
Week 17: vs. Seattle Seahawks
Week 18: @ Green Bay Packers
Now let's rank some things.
Light Work For Caleb Williams (Probably)
17. Washington Commanders (Away)
1 overall vs 2 overall! Caleb Williams' homecoming! This is one of the juicier games of the season from a narrative standpoint, which is nice because that is about all it's got going for it. Coming off a bye, the Bears don't really have an excuse to come out flat.
16. Carolina Panthers (Home)
This game is for the fans. 60 minutes of being able to openly gloat about what the Panthers handed the Bears? I honestly feel kind of bad for Carolina fans for the week they're going to endure. It's not their fault that David Tepper exists.
15. New England Patriots (Home)
1 overall vs 3 overall! It's kinda like the Washington game, but slightly less depressing. Only slightly, though. New England's defense is going to be good enough to give the Bears fits, but you could probably say the same thing about Chicago's defense. If the Bears are really going to be a Wild Card-level team, these are the games they have to put away.
14. Arizona Cardinals (Away)
Any reason to relive the Dennis Green game is good enough for me. Seeing Jaylon Johnson go up against Marvin Harrison Jr. for 60 minutes will be worth it alone.
It's A Good Thing The Bears' Defense Is Nice
13. Jacksonville Jaguars (Home)
Trevor Lawrence is always reason to be a little nervous, but otherwise, the Jaguars look pretty meh. At least we don't have to deal with a Nick Foles-Doug Pederson reunion storyline for the entire week.
12. Indianapolis Colts (Away)
This game may be a sneaky tough matchup, if only because it's Week 3. Frankly, the first month of the Bears' season feels like anyone's guess. If Caleb Williams immediately becomes The Guy, 3-1 isn't out of the question. But if it takes time for the Bears' staff to figure out, you know, an entirely new offense, a road game against the Colts that early in the year could be trouble.
11. Tennessee Titans (Home)
This certainly isn't the most interesting or important game on the Bears' schedule, but I'd argue it's the second-most exciting? Maybe the most exciting? That first moment when Caleb Williams, Rome Odunze, and the rest of the Bears' offense takes the field at Soldier is going to be electric. And maybe the Titans end up being good, but this feels a lot like the 49ers Week 1 win from 2022.
10. Minnesota Vikings (Home)
There are a lot of reasons to believe that the Vikings may be back and relevant way sooner than people expect, but it doesn't feel like that's happening in 2024. The bad news is that this game is late enough in the season to expect that Minnesota's QB1 probably won't be Sam Darnold anymore. The good news is that means it'll be JJ McCarthy!
9. Minnesota Vikings (Away)
You don't want to read any more about the Vikings. I get it.
There's a Huge Keenan Allen Game In Here Somewhere
8. Seattle Seahawks (Home)
What a random game. An NFC West opponent in late December is one of those games that you forget about immediately after it happens. The Seahawks are probably going to be, at the very least, okayish. But so will the Bears, and it's a home game. A win here and the Bears stay IN THE HUNT.
7. Los Angeles Rams (Home)
At some point in the week lead up to this game, there's going to be some video of Sean McVay perfectly reciting every pass rep from Caleb William's entire college career. If there's a surprising and slightly-disappointing home loss on the Bears' schedule, it feels like this is the one.
6. Detroit Lions (Home)
The Lions may end up regressing some, but they're still going to be good enough to challenge for an NFC North title. Jared Goff at Soldier Field will always remind Bears' fans of that glorious 2018 game, so fingers crossed for a seasonably-appropriate mid-December forecast for this one. Bear Weather is back.
If They Win These The Bear Claw Is Definitely Becoming A Thing
5. Green Bay Packers (Home)
There are harder games on the schedule, but this is the one that'll decide whether or not the Bears have arrived. The need to beat Green Bay is getting out of hand – it's going happen at some point, but it realllllllllly probably needs to be this year, just for everyone's sanity. A home win over the Packers would make just missing the playoffs slightly more tolerable. Also, this is the Bears' first divisional game, and it comes in Week 11. Weird!
4. Houston Texans (Away)
Caleb Williams' first road game, against last year's AFC South champ and a team with Super Bowl aspirations? Coming off a game against a suspect defense? This has disaster potentital written all over it. But a fun QB battle, at least.
3. Detroit Lions (Away)
The break from playing on Thanksgiving was nice while it lasted.
2. San Francisco 49ers (Away)
Any road game against last year's NFC champ is tough, especially against a defense like SF's. It's also a West Coast game, seven weeks after their bye, in the middle of a three-week road trip. Maybe they'll cover!
1. Green Bay Packers (Away)
Their great white whale. The last game of the season. Very possibly with playoff implications. This is the game of the year for them, and it comes on the last week of the season. So you have four months to really build up a nice base layer of anxiety.