If you live in Chicagoland – or are even just a fan of Chicago sports – you've probably heard of Danny Parkins.
Parkins is one of the co-hosts of The Parkins and Speigel Show, which is the afternoon drive show on 670 The Score, Chicago's biggest sports radio station. They're a well-liked, well-rated, and well-regarded show, and boy do they love doing bits. A lot of them don't really play – this is sports radio, after all; no one bats 1.000 – but that never stops them from trying.
And according to the social media account of every NFL team that didn't make the playoffs this year, it's officially Draft SZN. That's especially true in Chicago, where the Bears have the first overall pick for the second year in a row. But after trading away the pick last season, GM Ryan Poles is widely expected to stay put this April. Justin Fields never quite developed the way that a franchise quarterback is expected to, and with a draft class featuring two or three generational talents at the position, the Bears have a rare opportunity in front of them. It's been widely speculated that they're already set on taking USC QB Caleb Williams, and while that's probably good news for them, it's bad news for everyone who has to wait two months for that to happen. Eight weeks of airtime to fill is more than enough for schitck-y sports radio bits, and Parkins wasted no time:
I’m the proud owner of the first Bears Caleb Williams jersey which will soon be the number one selling jersey in the NFL. pic.twitter.com/kNqOzoJuHl
— Danny Parkins (@DannyParkins) February 12, 2024
[Deep sigh] Fine. Whatever. Getting bent out of shape over sports radio bits is like getting bent out of shape over Chicago's winter – it's going to happen whether you like it or not, so your sanity is better off if you just roll with it. He's certainly not the first radio host to try pandering bits with the hope that they go viral, and he definitely won't be the last.
It is a little bit (emphasis on little) risky though, for a couple reasons. If the Bears either trade down or draft Drake Maye/Jayden Daniels (they won't), Parkins' tweet will be held against him until the end of time. In 500 years, when historians dig up Awful Announcing's archive, his tweet will be there. And historians will laugh at it, because it'll still be hilarious. Also, if Williams doesn't go with #13, the stunt becomes slightly embarrassing, if not forgettable. It might already be that, depending on how you feel about sports talk radio.
The lesson here? Buckle up. Two months of this is just getting started. Up next is some sort of Caleb Williams-themed version of a recognizable pop song with a bunch of clumsy lyrics. After that comes a bet that involves jumping in Lake Michigan that'll be live-streamed and sponsored. Time is a flat circle.