The Cover Stew: Jay Cutler is Not Happy

When training camp opened QB Jay Cutler was seemingly over the moon with the additions the Bears made to the team this season.  Now, with the season less than a week away, he does not appear to be as happy.  One might assume this might have something to do with the fact that he still doesn’t know who will be protecting his blindside, incumbent J’Marcus Webb or fellow Vanderbilt alum, Chris Williams, but that is not what is making the QB unhappy.

“You know, I was brought in here to lead the Bears to a Super Bowl and that is still what my goal is,” said Cutler.  “But, you know, when you bring in guys like BMarsh and Alshon and even Michael Bush, that doesn’t necessarily make reaching that goal a whole lot easier.”

Stunned reporters quickly attributed Cutler’s strange comments to the likely sleep deprivation he has been afflicted with since becoming a father, but Cutler explained his comments a little further.

“I mean, now that I have all these weapons, I am not sure how I can fully utilize them all,” said Cutler.  “I am just one guy.  You know, it was easy when Roy was here pretending to be a #1 WR, because no one really thought he was that and he couldn’t catch water if he fell out of a boat.  Even when we were utilizing Devin incorrectly in Martz’s offense, there was no pressure.  Now, I have legit players to get involved, particularly in the passing game and, you know, what if I can’t do it,” explained Cutler.

Head coach Lovie Smith was quick to respond to the QB’s comments and told reporters, “Jay is a key member of our program.  Of course, we brought in some new pieces to help him out.  We constantly look to improve our team.  This shouldn’t put any more pressure on Jay.  We all have to perform as a team each week.”

MLB Brian Urlacher said, “the defense will have Jay’s back, so I don’t know why he is acting like a pu*sy now.”

Cutler still doesn’t seem to be buying it, “Lovie and Lach can say what they want, but this pressure is real.  In the past, Lovie has been able to put coaches in place that no one expected much of.  You tell me if Emery brought in Belichick to coach the defense and Bill Walsh to coach the offense, he wouldn’t feel any pressure?  You know, I guarantee he would feel pressure,” stated Cutler.

Cutler was quickly reminded by reporters that Bill Walsh has passed away to which he replied, “You see what I mean, the pressure, man, the pressure.”

The Cover Stew is a satirical look at the Chicago Bears, Football and Life in General.

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  • justhetruth

    This story is a complete Lie! Give me a break. Where are these comments, as I have not seen or heard them, and I go to each Bears news outlets daily. You mustn be a Packer fan, who is Scraed of this revamped Bears team this year. The Packers should be worried, Very Worried! GO BEARS!

  • justhetruth

    Sorry, for the spelling, as I usually read my comment before posting. I meant to say Scared of this revamped Bears team. The other mistake being must not mustn. GO BEARS!

  • justhetruth

    De Con, you should stick to killing Roaches and other annoying insects.

  • [email protected]

    This satirical section sucks. Stop writing it. You are not funny, nor should you be writing this column. You suck