I wanted to find away to combine my love for the Chicago Bears with my love for comedy. So, I thought what better way to kick off the 2012 Chicago Bears season than with a parody of the late, great comedian George Carlin. If you have never heard his bit “A Modern Man” I recommend you check it out before reading further. It’s pure genius. If you have heard it, please read on or listen to my rendition of “A Modern Chicago Bears Fan”.
“A Modern Chicago Bears Fan”
I’m a modern Chicago Bears fan.
A man in love with football,
Dedicated and hardcore.
A Ditka-lovin’, Packer-hatin’, defensive-minded fanatic.
Locally, nationally and universally disgruntled.
I love hail marys and check downs.
I love hand offs and bootlegs.
I know that winners often lose.
I know that losers often whine.
I’m a catchy name dropper,
A Mannelly with a heart of Gould,
And my Forte is being Majorly Wright.
I work hard but hardly stress,
And my instincts are outlandish.
I like hot routes, sideline heaters, and Hester’s burning speed on cold winter days
Making defenses look offensive.
I like our quarterback’s air attack
and sacks from Shea Mac.
Each year, we’re playoff bound
With our ground and pound,
but it’s over twenty years
Since we’ve been crowned.
Dropping a catch,
Catching a dump off,
Blocking a Tackle,
Shanking a punt,
Penetrating a hole.
Cutler’s on fire,
And off and running.
He’s sick as hell of Frank Omiyale.
He won’t need to flea with Gabe Carimi.
No more three and outs,
Being up ended,
And downfield incompletions.
He’s got a high flyer in Hester,
A low risk in Marshall,
And a medium threat in Jeffery.
Three wide receivers with slim builds,
Bottom line top targets.
I’ll give it to you straight.
I’ll propagate the Lovie hate.
I’ll take you to the brink.
I’ll destroy Jay when he stinks.
I have a rash of medicine to cure your Bears fever.
When my glass’s barely full,
I’m still fully Bears.
Ear to the sod
And head in the clouds.
I’m a Chicago guy,
A Chicago fan,
A Chicago lover,
I know when to cheer.
I know when to boo.
‘Cause I’m passionate,
And often irrational.
I’m a single man married to an animal.
I’m punch-drunk and slap-happy,
A fat cat on a paper thin budget.
From Blanda to Butler,
Sayers to Suey,
Morris to Marshall,
And Sid to Jay.
Give me the T-Formation
And a Cover Two D,
A Midway of Monsters
And a Bear named Staley.
I’m Waddle-tough and Butkus-strong,
So confident, I’ll punt on fourth-and-goal.
But I’m watching,
A rowdy athletic supporter observing gracefully from my couch.
But I Bear down
When the stakes are up.
I bet the odds when they’re even,
And stay away from the over-under.
I love pass plays,
I change passwords,
I sometimes pass gas.
I was locked up when I trespassed.
I’m buying Bush,
And Earl addicted.
I like tight ends.
I like loose coverage.
I tell my O-coordinator to F off,
And my QB’s hard count will soften the penetrating defense.
I crashed my Chevy into Ford Field.
I puked in snow at Lambeau,
I cheered on Stetstrom at the Metrodome.
I split a chalice with Halas,
Shared a roach with Da Coach,
Wanted to spit on Jauron,
And I’m waiting to see on Lovie.
My refridgerator is fully stocked,
And bound to be empty after Sunday night.
I like the preseason,
Postgame press conferences,
And my reality resides with my all-Bears fantasy football team.
I’m a Soldier Field general,
First in line for tailgating.
Blue and orange,
Smoked, cloaked, and ready to joke.
Zebra pants and Chicago Bears chants.
I taunt the Pack’.
I pick up the slack.
I’m without a doubt,
I’m all about a rout.
Chillin’ and grillin’,
Scorin’ and singin’,
Runnin’ and passin’,
Watchin’ and winnin’.
I don’t play,
So I don’t pay,
But I’m a Bears fan on gameday,
Cutler and I are here to stay.
I’m boss of the coin toss
And overtime is show time.
I’m rooting hard,
For just one goal,
And I’m ready to go.
Super Bears, Super Bowl.