******DISCLAIMER. This column is meant to entertain. It is satirical in nature, so don’t get your panties in a bunch or report me to the authorities. Thank you.******
Here are a few parenting tips that I have found very effective for raising the next generation of Chicago Bears fans. As a parent of a wonderful two-year-old named Robbie, I am blessed to be able to instill a good set of principles which should last a lifetime of sharing our Beloved’s glory. Enjoy.
1. A good jumping off point is to remove all green and yellow toys or clothes from the home, they are too “Green Bay Packer-like.” You can bring them to the Salvation Army in Wisconsin.
2. If green and yellow are the school colors where you live, move to another district, preferably where blue and orange are their school colors.
3. Paint the child’s room blue and orange, decorate with memorabilia.
5. Preface favorite food names with Bear, like “Bear waffles” or “Bear grilled cheese.”
6. Make these favorite foods for them during the game, so they have a positive association with Bears football games.
7. Teach them the Bears fight song, (Bear Down, Chicago Bears) before you worry about other children’s tunes.
8. On Sunday wake them up at 5:00 AM, so they take their nap before kickoff. Never schedule anything for game day.
9. If a birthday falls on a game day, reschedule the party.
10. Bedtime is late for night games, and no school the day after a win; it encourages winning.
11. If they’re having trouble holding on to the ball when playing catch, try Stickum.
12. Anytime they get hurt or start crying, let them know that you don’t want to put them on IR, but you’ve gotta do what’s best for the team.