Three Stooges Hold Bears Post-season Press Conference
By DeCon
I have always been a fan of the Three Stooges, but I am not of fan of them residing at Halas Hall. After listening to the State of the Bears Press Conference today, I am fearful that Ted Phillips, Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith might be cast in a remake sometime in the near future. The saddest part is that will not occur until, at least, the end of the 2010 season.
I will let you all tell me who is who from the ass clowns who disgraced the podium in today’s “presser” or should I say DEPRESSER!!!
Here is what I heard in a nut shell…we had a bad season and we needed to make changes, but Lovie and Jerry cost way too much to buy out, so we are going to throw Ron and 5 other assistants under the bus that we used to get off of running so we can invest in a new bus with the same problems.
As a Bears fan, this is completely unacceptable!!! Sure, Teddy thanked the fans for their support and blah, blah, blah, but come on, you go 7-9 and have 4 games where the defense wasn’t even competitive and yet we want to heap all the blame on the Offensive Coordinator??? Something is amiss in Denmark, my friends.
The hour long DEPRESSER included some of the following nuggets and my rebuttals:
Phillips: For the last 3 years, it’s been clear that no one did a good enough job in this organization. Nobody did. We are not asking for patience.
DeCon: Tell me Ted, what exactly are you asking for when your other two stooges next to you are still here???
Phillips: Money was a non-factor.
DeCon: Are you sure about that Ted??? The Bears are pretty frugal when it comes to spending money. And if this is true, it would stand to reason that we are going to spend some money and get a legit #1 WR on the roster??? And a safety, and at least 2 offensive lineman and likely a cornerback…
Phillips: We need to do a better job drafting.
DeCon: If we actually had a 1st or 2nd rounder for this April’s draft, I’d agree we should try to do that.
Phillips: To bring in two new coordinators is quite a massive change.
DeCon: Agreed and if we had a competent head coach and GM, it could be a good change.
Phillips: At the end of 2010 we’ll go through another evaluation process and see where we land.
DeCon: I can’t wait for that one, only none of the Three Stooges will be in attendance as Ginny will have to deliver the “Ted fucked up last year by keeping Jerry and Lovie” speech.
Phillips: Smith is relinquishing defensive coordinator role.
DeCon: This was the first positive message delivered until later in the DEPRESSER…
Smith: When you have a basic philosophy [on defense], of course you want someone with a similar philosophy.
DeCon: Translation…the Cover-2 is here to stay and the new DC will run it!!! Of course it is…
Phillips: I feel that years we’ve had haven’t been acceptable. At the same time, we don’t think the cupboard is bare.
DeCon: You’re probably right Teddy, but why don’t we see if we can completely tap out the cupboard, piss off the fans and have another losing season before we bring in an awestruck young “genius” coach, because no coach who is worth a shit will want the job.
Angelo: We’re in a business of evolvement. There’s no more status quo in our league.
DeCon: Uh, Jerry, is evolvement a word??? And apparently, there is only status quo at Halas Hall.
Angelo: A lot of what we did didn’t work.
DeCon: Understatement of the year, asshole!!! But at least you’re still here to try again…
Angelo: We’ll do a better job given there will be new coaches, new energy. We’ll do a little better job of evaluations.
DeCon: Let me get this straight…because there will be new coaches and new energy, YOU will become a better evaluator???
Angelo: I didn’t do as good a job evaluating our team.
DeCon: Right, because if you did, you and Lovie would be on the bus with Turner!!!
Angelo: We are who we are, but that does not mean we have a bad roster.
DeCon: Perhaps, but then that means we need people in charge who can actually properly manager the roster we have.
Angelo: Lovie is our chief commander of our football team. He’s our leader.
DeCon: As if I wasn’t already pissed off, you had to remind me???
Angelo: We don’t have as many dominating players on defense as we’ve had.
DeCon: But I thought we didn’t have a bad roster…I’m confused, Jerry…
Angelo: There were games this year where games were over at halftime.
DeCon: Uh, yeah Jerry, we know…did we need a reminder???
Angelo: [To the reporters in the room] If you were held accountable for some of the decisions you made, you would have a Crayon in your hand.
DeCon: I actually got a chuckle out of this…only time during the DEPRESSER…
Angelo: In the end we might not be good enough.
DeCon: DING, DING DING!!! Yeah, we know…if we were good enough, the season wouldn’t be over for us. Correction…this was the understatement of the year, asshole!!! And you still think we don’t have a bad roster, Jerry??? I am even more confused…
Angelo: [Jerry on Cutler working with his 4th offensive coordinator in 4 seasons] We want to get out of that business. Continuity is important.
DeCon: And after next year, Cutler will likely be on his 5th…good looking out, Jerry!!!
Lovie: First of all, I am excited to remain in my position.
DeCon: Translation…WHEW, I can stay away from Big Sandy, TX for another year!!!
Lovie: We can get back.
DeCon: Now I feel better…NOT!!!
Lovie: I want an offense that can do whatever it needs to do on gameday to win.
DeCon: Don’t we all…now if we only had a defense that could do the same.
Lovie: We realize that we have some of maybe our best weapons at the receiver position.
DeCon: WHAT?!?! Did the Bears just sign Anquan Boldin and Brandon Marshall???
Lovie: There were times this last year we were a good football team.
DeCon: If only those were the times that mattered.
So, all in all, I guess you can kind of see the side of the ledger I fall on. It was a bloody day at Halas Hall, but I think Jerry and Lovie were erroneously spared.
After the DEPRESSER, it was mentioned that Ginny got in her own car and drove herself home on this sad day, which happens to be her birthday. God bless her, she is a classy lady and I think she gave Jerry and Lovie a gift on this day when she should be the one getting the gifts.
Jerry’s and Lovie’s resignations would have been a great gift for her. Maybe she thinks it is sometimes better to give than receive…
Can I get an “Amen” ?
The DeCon has spoken…so let it be written, so let it be done…
I’ll hear your confessions at beargoggles.decon@gmail.com.