The Cover Stew: Sweet Justice; Commissioner Roger Goodell Comes down Hard on Marshawn Lynch


Commissioner Roger Goodell has been ruling the NFL with an iron fist.  If a player has ever been in violation of Player Conduct Policy previously, he better stay far away from trouble or the Commissioner will come down especially hard.  RB Marshawn Lynch of the Seattle Seahawks found this out late last night.  As you may have heard, Lynch was recently cited for drunk driving in California early last Saturday morning.  Lynch, a now three-time offender of the Player Conduct Policy, was strongly reprimanded by the Commissioner.

“As you know, Marshawn was recently arressted for driving under the influence in California,” Goodell said.  “Despite his excellent play on the field, I expect better from Marshawn off the field as this is now his third violation of the player conduct policy.  To that end, Marshawn will be suspended from participating in the regular season until such a time as he can eat himself out of a life sized tank of Skittles.”

Goodell went on to describe the tank as being similar to tanks used by the Great Houdini, but instead of being filled with water, this tank will be filled with Skittles.  Goddell has not determined exactly when Lynch will be submerged in the tank, but did allude to the fact that it will be some time after the last preseason game.

Lynch, as you might imagine was not too pleased, “Man, I love me some Skittles and all, but this is ridiculous.  Goodell say he care about us players and our safety, but shoot, this is not only ridiculous, but it is putting my career in jeopardy.”

One can’t help but consider the safety aspect of this unprecedented ruling by the Commissioner.  Especially when you consider whether Lynch will receive adequate fluids and lest we forget, how he will relieve himself given this task could take days and likely weeks.

“Listen, I am the judge, jury and executioner, so I can do as I please,” a candid Goodell told the media.  “However, despite what James Harrison thinks, I am not the devil.  I have had this fully vetted with NFLPA doctors and Marshawn will receive adequate amounts of water while he is in the tank.  I will also have the tank fitted with certain “personal need” contraptions, so Marshawn will be able to relieve himself and taste nothing but the rainbow that is Skittles.”

The Cover Stew is a Satirical Look at the Chicago Bears, Football and Life, in General