The Cover Stew: Scandal with the Detroit Lions


In the wake of the sanctions that hit Penn State for atrocities that cannot begin to be described and not far off the bounty-gate scandal that has rocked the New Orleans Saints, the Detroit Lions may have their own scandal to contend with.  A half-dozen Lions players, that we are aware of, have been arrested in the last 12 months, but that is only part of the story.

“We know we have had players get in trouble with the law,” said HC Jim Schwartz.  “It is what it is.”

But that may only be part of the problem.  Reports indicate that high ranking officials within the Lions organization instituted a “pay for arrests” program during training camp last summer.  Examples include:  $500 for reckless driving; $1,000 for a DUI/DWI; $1,500 for brandishing a firearm; $2,000 for drug possession.  Compared with the “bounty-gate” scandal of the Saints, this “pooky-gate” scandal was open to all players regardless of position or standing with the team.

When presented with the allegations, an irritated Schwartz said, “Listen, there is no story here.  It is not true.  We never paid players for getting arrested.  That said, you can’t argue with the publicity, because no publicity is bad publicity, at least that’s what I believe.”

Time will tell if this story expands to involve more players, since there is still some time before training camp, but at least one other head coach wasn’t surprised.

“The way Schwartz shakes hands like a girl,” said a frank, San Francisco HC Jim Harbaugh, “I’m not surprised.  He couldn’t even take a little pat on the ass after we whooped his team last year.  Between that and the unappealing gray streak in his hair, this seems about par for the course.”

Calls to league officials were not returned.

 The Cover Stew is a satirical look at the Chicago Bears, Football and Life in General.